Paul De Sousa

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 30 September 2009 6.04pm
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

Thankyou for the surprise inspection and invitation to participate in the next. I appreciate you underlining the text at the bottom of the page which I would otherwise have surely mistaken for part of the natural pattern in the paper. I was going to clean the apartment but had so many things on my ‘to do’ list that I decided to treat them all equally and draw pictures of sharks instead. I have attached one for your honest appraisal.

I have read through your list of chores and intend to rectify the situation by wrapping my entire body in eighteen rolls of super absorbent Thick’n'thirsty® paper towels, hosing down the apartment, then rolling around on the floor and rubbing myself up and down walls. I will cover the more stubborn marks with Liquid Paper. I will also get back to you in regards to the premises being inspected in another two weeks, my agreement to do so will depend on availability and not wanting to.

Regards, David.

From: Peter Williams
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 9.41am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Inspection Report

David

I suggest you take this matter more seriously. You were sent notice of the inspection as part of our normal procedure. You will not use a hose in the apartment. I have never heard of anything so ridiculous and it is not just about the marks on the walls – the light fitting in the lounge room is broken and the apartment smells of smoke.

Peter

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 10.26am
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

The light fitting was the victim of a toy lightsabre being swung in a space too small to do the same with a cat. I dodged a leaping double handed overhead attack and the fitting, being fitted, didn’t. I will grab a matching replacement $12 fitting from IKEA the next time I require a tiny iron board or glass tea light.

The smell you mistook for cigarette smoke was probably just from the fog machine. Each Tuesday I hold a disco in my bedroom with strobe lighting and special guest. As my wardrobe door has a large mirror on it, it looks like someone is dancing with you. I once dressed as a lady and it was almost exactly what I imagine dancing with a real lady would be like. Unfortunately, I kept worrying about falling, hitting my head and being found dressed that way so she left after only a few dances and a brief, but full of promise, kiss. You should come one night, it will be a dance spectacular. I imagine you are probably a good dancer because you are small and the smallest member of the Rocksteady Crew was definitely the best one.

Regards, David.

From: Peter Williams
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 1.16pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

David

I do not appreciate being called small and being sent stupid drawings of me being eaten by a shark. The apartment is to be cleaned and reinspected in two weeks time. You cant have a fog machine or anything like that at the apartment in case the smoke damages the walls.

Peter

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 4.02pm
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

I apologise for mentioning your smallness. It must be a subject most people you know avoid. Was it the Rocksteady Crew comment or the fact that the shark was actually very small in the picture, making you, in comparison, the size of a very small fish? I have attached a revised version which you can print out, pin to your cubicle wall, look at whenever you are feeling down and think “That Volkswagen looks way too small for me to get into, I must be huge.”

Regards, David.

From: Peter Williams
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 5.12pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

David

Do not send me anymore drawings. I am not joking. I am keeping a record of everything you send just so you know. If the apartment is not clean when we reinspect in two weeks time, we will consider terminating the lease. I suggest you take this matter more seriously as we have also had noise complaints regarding your premises.

Peter

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 6.27pm
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

Yes, I find loud music helps me relax while I clean as the music distracts me so much that I stop cleaning. Which is relaxing. I will probably get onto it this week though. I do not wish to be evicted as I have developed a severe case of agoraphobia and residing in an apartment where I can reach all four walls while standing in the one spot brings me a feeling of comfort and safety. Although the wood printed linoleum and IKEA light fittings only go so far in disguising an old apartment in a old building on a busy and extremely loud main road, the daily culling of plague proportion cockroaches gives me something to do in my spare time and it is good to stay active. I class the eighteen cans of surface spray I use per week as sporting equipment.

I purchased one of those electronic cockroach things you plug into the wall which is meant to scare cockroaches by sending a pulse through the apartment wiring but while it seems to have reduced the numbers, others have evolved to feed off the electrical signal, increasing their size. I am using one as a coffee table in the lounge and two smaller ones as side tables in the bedroom. Cockroaches would no doubt be susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning though so will try running a hose pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. It is apparently an odourless gas so should not prove an issue for my son’s cub group sleepover. I read somewhere once that cockroaches can survive a nuclear attack so I have been collecting the dead ones and intend to glue several thousand to the walls thereby ensuring my survival should Cyberdyne Systems become self aware between now and when the lease runs out.

I also need to purchase a new vacuum cleaner before I can start cleaning as I used my current one to suck up a large spider a few weeks ago and I am afraid to pull out the sock I shoved into the end of the pipe to block his exit in case he is sitting in there waiting and getting more pissed off by the day. A few months ago while I was at work, a spider ran up my arm. I threw myself backwards from the desk onto the floor and rolled around thrashing while undressing to make sure the spider was not in my hair or clothes. Unfortunately I was in a client meeting at the time with a company that sold cleaning products. If the meeting had gone better they would have proven quite handy at this point.

Regards, David.

From: Peter Williams
Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

I am not going to waste my time reading any more of your stupid nonsense. Clean the property or we will terminate the lease – the choice is yours. Do not email again unless it is of a serious matter.

Peter

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10.36am
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Nom nom nom

The other day I was walking along some train tracks and came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and covered her naked body with my jacket and carried her some ways away. we rested and spoke for what seemed like forever, she listened to everything I said and it was like I had met the woman of my dreams. one thing led to another and we made love for hours. Afterwards we lay there spent and we chatted for ages. It started getting dark and I had to leave and I left her there under the trees and walked away without so much as a parting kiss, cause, fuck me man, no matter how hard I looked, I couldn’t find her head.

So today i was in a good mood and decided to message friends all over the place with an elaborate story about how my dipstick does not reach the oil anymore.

The question was where do I find a longer dipstick seeing as mine no longer reaches the oil.

The responses I got were funny, some were scary.

me: hey dude, how goes? do you know where I can buy a longer dipstick for my golf? mine doesnt reach the oil anymore, I think I need a longer one

Nic: wtf dude, you feeling ok ?

Paul says:
*where can I buy a longer dipstick ?
Valheru says:
*VW? Goldwagen in Roodepoort.
Paul says:
*yar
*my dipstick doesnt reach my oil anymore
Valheru says:
*011 760 4626
Paul says:
*dude im kidding
Valheru says:
*They just off Main Reef in Roodepoort/Florida CBD
*lol
*ass
Valheru says:
*that what you get for being helpfull

Paul says:
*ekse
*you know about cars n stuff hey
*do you know where I can go buy a longer dipstick ?
Barend says:
*a longer dipstick… for what?
Paul says:
*cause mine doesnt reach my oil anymore
Barend says:
*ROFL… are you kidding me…

me: hey dude, how goes? do you know where I can buy a longer dipstick for my golf? mine doesnt reach the oil anymore, I think I need a longer one

Jeremy: My dipstick is very very long.

me: eh…

Paul says:
*how you doing?
*listen
*do you know where I can get a longer dipstick ?
*mine doesnt reach my oil anymore
Ricardo says:
*what you mean?
Paul says:
*the disptick in my golf
*doesnt reach the oil anymore
*I need a longer one
Ricardo says:
*how can it get short?
*well how about topping it with oil?
Ricardo says:
*ever thought that you got no frekin oil in engine?

Paul says:
*hey dude, how goes? do you know where I can buy a longer dipstick for my golf? mine doesnt reach the oil anymore, I think I need a longer one
robert.cairns says:
*lol how does that happen
Paul says:
*I dunno
*went to the garage this morning to check my oil but there was no oil on the dipstick
*so I reckon I need a longer one
robert.cairns says:
*lol I reckon you put in oil
*surely the dipstick is right?

Paul says:
*hey dude, how goes? do you know where I can buy a longer dipstick for my golf? mine doesnt reach the oil anymore, I think I need a longer one
Danny says:
*maybe goldwagen ?
Paul says:
*maybe I need oil ?
Danny says:
*also possible
*when was it last serviced?

Paul

hey dude, how goes? do you know where I can buy a longer dipstick for my golf? mine doesnt reach the oil anymore, I think I need a longer one

12:12Ben

lmao

you just sucked that shit up so i had to look at your profile status innit?

(Turns out my status said something about Man United’s result in the premier league and Ben is a liverpool supporter)

Paul

hey dude, how goes? do you know where I can buy a longer dipstick for my golf? mine doesnt reach the oil anymore, I think I need a longer one

12:12Grant

why doesn’t it reach?

I’ve got a mate who owns the Midas in Randburg on Hendrik Verwoed….near St Stithians

12:13Paul

dunno hey

went to the garage this morning to check my oil but there was no oil on the dipstick

so I reckon I need a longer one

12:13Grant

or you could put oil in your engine

might be the problem

lol

Paul

hey dude, how goes? do you know where I can buy a longer dipstick for my golf? mine doesnt reach the oil anymore, I think I need a longer one

12:14Brendon

is this a trick question

lol

12:14Paul

no why

12:15Brendon

i dunno, vw dealers?

sure theres lots in ur town

12:16Paul

dunno hey, went to the garage this morning to check my oil, but there was no oil on the dipstick

so I reckon I need a longer one

12:17Brendon

err

rofl fuck knows dude

neva heard of the dipstick being the problem

hahahahahah

me: hey dude, how goes? do you know where I can buy a longer dipstick for my golf? mine doesnt reach the oil anymore, I think I need a longer one

robinpietersen: ya sure, there is a wp spares shop in norwood, you can order online – http://tinyurl.com/cnh6b

Paul:  do you know where I can find a longer dipstick ? cause mine doesnt reach my oil
valevix:  you could use my penis

Herald

how bout some oil?

that’ll do the trick

12:24Bradly

maybe put more oil in :p

This made me laugh

While I am opposed to drinking and playing poker (I get way too agressive) I find that if I ever play while stoned on weed, I seem to concentrate a lot better.

I have heard of pros who take various drugs such as ritalin to help their game but lets investigate a few drugs and possible scenarios at the poker table shall we?

This is a parody

Marijuana

Chemical name : Canabis Sativa

Common street names : Weed, grass, dope

Using Marijuana at the poker table :

You giggle through the first 3 blind levels, the dealer has to ask you repeatedly to act on your turn. Your fumble your chips, drop them off the table then get a spasm in your hand while trying to riffle, by this time everyone is staring at you and you eventually become paranoid and introverted. You speak to no one and start trying to read everyone around you, you even start trying to get reads on the dealer and people not even in the hand. You do your stack when you call an all in on a flop of q22, and turn over j7 off and realize you folded q2 4 hands ago.

Probable quote : How much must I call again ?

Extasy

Chemical Name : Methylenedioxymethamphetamine

Common street names : pills, x

Using Extasy at the poker table :

You offer to give everyone a lollipop and a massage. You try give chips to the guy next to you cause the two of you had a moment and are now best friends. You feel terrible when you elliminate someone and ask the dealer to give them some of your chips.

They eventually throw you out for repeatedly blowing your rave whistle in the dealer’s ear.

Probable quote : Gee, you guys are the nicest people I have ever met, I love all of you. Lets get together soon hey, and we can all hang out!

PCP

Chemical name : Phencyclidine

Common Street names : angel dust, pcp

Using pcp at the poker table :

You watch yourself playing from the ceiling of the casino for a while then start freaking out because there are giant worms crawling out of the felt.
You get thrown out of the casino and later follow the dealer home, slit her throat and eat her lungs.
You spend the rest of your days hustling other inmates for cigarettes.

Probable Quote : I SWEAR YOUR HONOUR! A FLOCK OF HUGE FUCKING BATS TOLD ME TO EAT HER LUNGS!

Mushrooms

Chemical Name : Psilocybin

Common street names : magic mushrooms, shrooms

Using mushrooms at the poker table :

You giggle every time the dealer says your name or addresses you. You then suffer a bad beat and then blame the dealer for giving you a bad trip.
You are convinced the dude in the cut off seat is a narc.
You do your stack after looking at the same hole card twice and think you have a pocket pair.

Probable Quote : GEEEZ! this shit is like acid heeeey ?? what a hectic trip!

Heroin

Chemical name : Diacetylmorphine

Common street names : Smack, Junk, “H”, horse

Using heroin at the poker table :

You start rushing and slide off your chair and fall to a heap on the floor.
You get blinded out after getting carried out the casino where you just lie outside on the floor. Everything is hazy and your throat is dry.

Probable Quote : sheesh maaan, can shomeone perhapsh tell me where I finished in the tourney? AH fuckit, doeshnt matter…

Crystal Meth

Chemical Name : Methamphetamine

Common Street names : Meth, Crank, Tik, Crypto, Crystal

Using meth at the poker table :

You play for 3 days straight without sleeping or eating.
Youre convinced you have thenuts every hand and lose a small fortune.
You shag a couple of random girls in the bathroom and dont remember their names.
You eventually get thrown out of the casino for throwing a chair at a dealer who dealt you 72 off twice in a row.

Probable Quote : Sleep? fuck sleep man, and fuck you I’ll fucking cut your fucking throat you mother fucker!!!

LSD

Chemical name : Lysergic Acid Diethalamyde

Common street names : Acid, trips, papers, stamps

Using LSD at the poker table :

You keep staring at your chips because they are so brightly coloured. The dealer has to ask you a few times to stop rubbing the felt cause you have rubbed a hole in it so you start rubbing the shaven head of the guy sitting next to you.
You try and psychoanalyze everyone at the table with your new found wisdom.

You eventually do your stack cause you wanted to see if an indigo coloured card was going to appear on the river after seeing a rainbow flop.

Probable quote : SHOOOWEEEEE  WOW! FUCK ME! My chips are floating!

Cocaine

Chemical name : benzoylmethyl-ecgonine

Common street names : coke, powder, shnarf

Using Coke at the poker table :

You’re loud, brash, aggressive and obnoxious. No one at your table wants to talk to you so you raise your voice even louder. You keep trying to help the dealer count pots (incorrectly) You keep missing hands on your big blind because you’re in the bathroom doing another line. You eventually do your stack trying to bluff someone with 72 off while staring them in the face but instead of raising with your 72 off, you call his all in. You then throw wads of cash at the dealer so you can rebuy but this isnt a rebuy tourney. You spend the rest of the night railing your buddies on other tables and urging them to call any raise “cause the other dude hasnt got shit!”

Probable Quote : “heyman!hurryupandfold!Iwannaplay!thissucksimgoingtogodoanotherline”

ok so April 3rd is National Cleavage Day in South Africa.

And I own http://www.cleavage.co.za,
http://www.cleavageday.co.za,
http://www.nationalcleavageday.co.za and
http://www.internationalcleavageday.co.za

I had some ideas of what to do with the domains but nothing has come to fruition.

Yet every year I get literrally thousands of visits to these urls, as of you reading this, this post has had < ?php if(function_exists('the_views')) { the_views(); } ?> since I posted it.

So anyone who wants these domains, contact me by mailing paul [@] indivox.co.za and make me a decent offer.

And anyone who wants a good place to check out cleavage during the day, I recommend Rosebank, just outside the mall, grab a seat at Ninos, Nescafe or Anat where the action happens and see cleavage as far as the eye can see.

You’ll find me at Anat between 11am and 2pm.

But while you are here and probably came here to see cleavage, here are some of my Top 10 favourite cleavage shots of all time.

Enjoy!

Read more…

16th of 184 at event 1 of SA poker open.

It’s not a bad result considering that I got no fucking cards for 2 fucking days!

My first hand of the tournament I picked up A7 of spades on the button, and called a raise to see a flop of 228 , 2 spades.

The original raiser made a continuation bet which I reraised and picked up the pot of 400 chips… and then my folding started.

I folded for 2 rotations folding hands like kq, a10, aj off utg. Not even in middle position was I picking up half decent playable hands. Eventually I found aj in the cut off and managed to pick up the blinds without a fight.

Fold, fold, fold till I faced a raise from the button, I had q10 in the BB which was not a great hand oop but I had gotten to the point where any 2 cards were starting to look good.

Anyway I called the raise and the flop fell QJ9.  Top pair and a straight draw. So if I bet and he raises? I’m either behind or already drawing thin, so I check, original raiser fires one at the pot and I pop it to 2000 chips. He stared at me for a while before mucking AQ faceup. I showed the 10.

Not too long afterwards I picked up AK off in middle position and raised to 5 X BB and Brett Pozniak instashoves, I fold my AK faceup and he claims to have had aces and was hoping I had QQ or KK.

hmmm… fold fold fold fold 45 suited in doaminds on the BB and Pozniak raises it up, by this time even 72 off was looking playable so I call and manage to flop 1 diamond on a paired board. We check to the turn and another diamond, check again to the river where I make my flush and I fire a small value bet into the pot, Pozniak calls and I take the pot.

I was a little peeved at Craig Perkel who mocked my play there because my river bet was so small ( 300 into 1500 ) but on a paired board with 2 small diamonds, am I gonna shove the lolly to stare down at a boat or a high flush ?

Perkel asked me what I would have done had Pozniak repopped me with 2000 more, well I _probably_ would have laid down. Maybe I should have checked the river to be safe but surely if he is first to act in the hand and has a hand he’ll try to extract a few chips out of me with a small value bet on the river?

At the end of the day I did win an extra 300 chips.

A few hands later I picked up A10 in a decent spot and raised, Pozniac called and checked the flop behind me, I decided to bet the jack that showed up on the turn and Pozniac raised me. The problem with this raise is that it was just a single raise, nowhere near the size of the pot, I couldn’t put him on the jack, already had chips committed so I called the difference and rivered an ace to take the pot down. Bad turn call ? probably, he did have the winning hand at that point but such an odd bet ?

Our table got busted up right after that hand and I moved to table 2. Only person I knew at my table was Jaime Vilela and he wasnt even there long before doing his stack with Ace10.
Sascha Walter joined my table after someone got knocked out and came with a monster stack of nearly 20 000.  But she wasnt even close to the table chip leader.

Some big dutchman had a chipstack of collosal proportions, probably 50 k. My 7500 stack looked miserable.

But I knew this fella would not make the money, let alone the final table. He was reckless; calling with any 2 and hitting the flops hard. He had absolutely no idea what position was or odds for that matter.  The concept of a starting hand range strategy was obviously foreign to him and could only at best be described as insane. But he did know how to do one thing well and that was call. He would call ANYTHING.

I learnt this the hard way when he called me all the way down to the river with 10 4 off after calling my preflop raise to make 2 pairs on the river and crush my A10, this guy was unbluffable and I was determined to get my chips back from him with interest. I was disgusted and let him know exactly how I felt, saying that I was going to take back my chips eventually. He just sat there with this stupid smug look on his face like a cat that got caught eating cream.

I lost 5000 chips to him and had 1 move left; ship or fold. I picked my spots carefully and shipped once with AJ to pick up the blinds and again with KQ with no action. 1 rotation later I picked up A10, shipped and got called. I was convinced I was behind only to see QJ and my A10 holding up for me to double through and back to around 8000 chips. I asked the calling station why he hasnt called me yet and he replies something like “ag you know, when I call I got the goods”  right.. k3 is the goods. I had seen him call a much bigger bet than my all in with K3, but I spose that an all in shove from a short stack is alot more intimidating than a raise from a big stack.

We took a break and a few minutes after the break someone to my left got knocked out and a new player was soon stacking his chips on the table to play so I used this  opportunity to run to the toilet to blow my nose, when I got back, the new player was already gone. wow…

Mike joined my table to my left and not long after I pick up AQ in middle position and call a raise from the player to my right, I considered repopping him in that spot because he was rather tight but I feared action from anyone behind me, so I smooth called and got to see a flop of AA2. Player checks to me and I quickly check behind him, turn is a 2 and he bets. I do a little hollywood before shipping the rest of my stack. He asks me if I really caught some of that flop and I responded by saying that I honestly hoped HE didnt have an ace ( I wasnt lying, I didnt wanna chop the pot) he calls and shows 1010. I double through then knock him out 2 hands later. Gareth soon replaced him.

After that I went on a tear, picking up pots with some good positional play and wielding my fast growing stack around like a battle axe.

Sascha was bleeding chips and was content to sit on her stack, I on the other knew that the end of the day was approaching and the day bubble was looming, I’m not going to sit around waiting for hands so I got stuck in, playing agressively from late position and picking up the blinds and antes with any 2 cards, j8, 47, k7, avoiding confrontations with other big stacks, the only big stack I had my mind on was the calling station’s.

It wasnt long before I had a scary stack of around 30 k and was about to go up against him, the calling station, whose stack had been whittled down to under 30k.  One flaw in my game is that I tend to let my ego get the better of me and often go after players who have sucked out on me or who have managed to get my goat somehow. But in this case, I can see a weak player from a while away and I knew that sooner or later he was going to lose his stack, I wanted to make sure I was there to rake in his chips.  He raises 3 x BB UTG and I call his raise from the small blind with 89 hearts. Not the best call I figured because I didnt have position, but if I did catch some of the flop, I was going to put him to the test for the rest of his stack.

Flop comes down 8 high with 2 spades. I check to him and he bets about 3 quarters of the pot and I ship my stack. Imagine my surprise when he INSTACALLS.

No hesitation whatsoever. He turns up A2 of spades and misses his draw completely for my pair of 8’s to hold up and send him packing.

As I rake in his chips, I look up and tell him that I told him I was coming for his chips. He says something like “ja its lekker to get clever afterwards” Well of course, duh.  I wasnt going to have the same attitude if he had made his draw.

So Gareth and myself are the chip leaders at the table, Im probably just outchipping him with a few thousand.

I double Mike up with a stupid play with KJ and a dumb continuation bet on a queen high flop when I know the man likes to play KQ. I’m committed to call the difference of his all in and I double him up and drop down to 52k.

They call it a night with 49 players left.

I still had to go to work the next day and the dentist. But I did manage to sneak in an hour or so nap before returning to Monte. I picked up a monster redbull on the way and popped half an obex and a handful of my ADD medication.

My strategy was to keep applying pressure to the medium stacks as the bubble approached. I had still yet to come across a big pocket pair so I had to continue to play from late position with some good continuation bets. Bet just enough to let the other guy know that youre committed to call his all in should he ship and thats scary enough for most people to reconsider their options.

I somehow managed to just stay at 52 000. I would pick up pots from late position and give away my blinds because everytime I was in either of the blinds the raise would come from middle position and I wasnt picking hands strong enough or even suited enough to defend with.

Mike got moved to another table and eventually some hindian chap n hol came and took his place. The Indian dude ships UTG and I look down to see KK in my big blind. I call his 8000 all in and he turns up 88 and ever so eloquently spikes an 8 on the flop to crack my kings. First big pair I get and they get cracked. mooooi!!! Myself and Gareth have a chuckle over big hands getting cracked and I try to think of the many times my Aces got cracked online since the beginning of the year. Too many. It’s almost unbelievable when I think about it, the number of times my aces have been cracked this year alone. I would say almost a daily occurence. The Indian gets moved right after that hand, taking my chips with him to another table.

By this time Roy had moved to our table and was seated to my left. I’ve played againt him before a couple of times and am wary of him.

I get Kings again a few hands later and basically min raise to pick up some action and everyone folds to me, I show the kings.  “Hey look, when I raise I got the goods.”

The bubble is fast approaching, we are down to about 28 players and I’ve gone back into my folding routine, not even daring to try play my aggressive position poker for fear that someone at this table thinks I’m tilting because of my kings getting cracked.

After 2 rotations, I shift gears and pick up the pace again with 2 very aggressive bluffs. First bluff was against Gareth who raised from cut off. I KNOW he is on the steal so I pretend to look at my cards and instantly repop him up to 12000. The blinds both fold and Gareth thinks, then mucks his hand, claiming to have had KJ. I peek at my cards and see 8 2 off. I muck them quickly.

Gareth gets moved and I try to establish myself as the table captain without much respect or co operation.

A couple of hands later I get 72 off in middle position, I’m feeling brave and raise to 8 000. Big blind calls and checks the flop, I fire another
10 000 and he lets his hand go, I show the bluff and get a few laughs from people around the table. BB looks disgusted. Didnt like him much so if I put him on tilt, yay for me. We go on a break and I return to my seat half an hour later.

The Indian chap gets moved back to my table, seated to my left between Roy and I and immediately knocks out 2 players and cracking pocket kings again with another set of 8’s.

Couple of hands later, I pick up AQ suited hearts in middle position, I raise 4 x BB and the indian fellow goes into the tank for a minute before shipping.
I show him the ace and fold. He shows me 2 in return. It wasnt a WOW lay down but a decent one none the less.

Tighten up again and after half an hour or so the bubble bursts and soon after, 2oth place also walks.

Down to 19 players. We lose another player and Eugene gets moved to my table and is seated to my right, in Gareth’s old seat.

I’ve never played against him before, so I figure that my best strategy against him is to hollywood about big laydowns with shit hands then set him up for when I do get a hand.

He raises my blind twice, the 1st time I took my time about folding, stared at my hand for a while then the second time I ummed and aahed about laying down QJ suited ( I actually had something ridiculous like 83 off )

18th player goes, Gareth gets moved back to my table and a couple of hands later on his Big blind I pick up pocket aces. Yip! the mass weapons of destruction, the bullets, the big ones.

And what do you know? Eugene raises! So this is what I was trying to set him up for. I go into the tank again, uhmming and aahing and doing the whole hollywood sing and dance, I count my chips twice then ship, Gareth instacalls and Eugene does a count. I’m happy for a caller but a 3 way all in? Aces get cracked like this often. Euegene reckons he is getting 4:1 to call an additional 20 k into the 80 k pot, he looks uncomfortable making the call and Gareth calls time. That annoyed me but I say nothing. Eugene eventually moves his chips to the middle after Gareth called time again and turns up pocket Jacks. Gareth shows AK and I fling my aces onto the table and shout “hold up!”

The flop brings a king, Gareth starts chanting for another King, but the death card falls on the turn, a Jack. I have 1 out and 2 % to river the winning hand. The river brings a 5 and I’m out in 16th just slightly ahead of Gareth in chips.

Dazed, I walk to the cage to fetch my prize money of R8000, wondering what could have been, should have been.

I went over everything in my mind, 5 pocket pairs the entire tourney, 22, 33 on the first night. Then KK ( cracked by set of 8’s) then KK again (no action) then AA (too much action)

Not a single straight, not a single set, no 2 pairs with both cards in my hand, 1 full house and 1 flush. In fact, not a single nut hand.

But the fact that I was able to wade through 184 players and cash in this event without big hands proves that I dont need to pick up big hands to win at poker, so just deal me my suited connectors in late position and hopefully you understand why I fucking hate pocket aces.

Some people should REALLY read the notes their doctors give them before turning them in at work.

Click the thumbnail to see the larger image

Im a netgear fan through and through and over the years I have had a couple of routers pop on me.

A simple swap out during warranty period was sufficient but I have had a few that were out of warranty or were faulty by my means ( or lightning ) and I bought 2 new routers in December and january within weeks of each other only to have both of them fail on me.

I dropped duxbury and mail regarding the routers and lo and behold they asked me to bring in the routers and swapped them out for 3 brand new dgn 2000’s and 1 wired router.

Love their service!

This dude is a true legend.

First he tries to pay his credit card bill with a picture of a spider, then he goes about pissing off his new neighbor.

Enjoy!

This second part was also incredibly funny, this dude knows how to piss people off something fantastic.

So he gets this party notice under his door and decides to invite himself to the party ….

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
Thank you for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child’s party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like.
Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,
Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don’t tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.
Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to – if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn’t have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon’s girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi Matthew,
I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn’t everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan’s Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones – I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all They have freckles all over their body did you know? It’s the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.

Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don’t think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of ‘wouldn’t it be good’ to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don’t see you before tonight.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

What the fuck are you talking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hello Matthew,
I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won’t be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night.

It is a little hard to breath in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived ‘through’ the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it.

Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don’t own cars.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no fucking 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends What the fu*k is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no fucking fancy dress and only people I know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus fucking christ man.

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Party

Hello Matthew,
I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon’s girlfriend Cathy’s work function was cancelled so she can make it after all which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata.

Can’t wait, see you tonight.

Regards, David.

Pure class!

Stop start stop start

thats the story of my life

I’ll have afew new cool posts up and running soon

Someone asked me what the blue swastika favicon was about.

It’s NOT a swastika, I am NOT a neo-nazi nor anti semetic.

If you can guess what it is though, you win a prize.

Imagine this for your workspace.

see more.

I cant stand Tony G, so when the Devilfish gives him a piece of his mind, I had to laugh.

We live in an age where technology binds all, where we are in a constant state of communication.

We are in contact with everyone around us, we receive news and updates on happenings around us in a myriad of different ways, through mobile devices, laptops, pc’s, cell phones.
We are never anywhere without some device or communication tool which allows us to keep in touch. Facebook status updates and twitter allow us to let the world know what we are up to.

Back in the day ICQ was “THE” IM client, then along came yahoo, aim, msn, jabber, googletalk and then someone once showed me pidgin – an IM client that allowed you to plug into msn, aim and yahoo all at the same time.

To be honest I was not very impressed – then more recently shebee told me about digsby

I was expecting something like pidgin but after installing it and playing about I realized that it was far more than JUST a multi IM client.

Digsby also plugs directly into twitter, facebook, facebook chat, Myspace and any imap or pop mail as well as MSN messenger, Aim, , Yahoo, Jabber and ICQ.

The actual chat client is 1 interface with the ability to tab additional chat sessions with other people, even across different protocols and networks.

Much like outlook’s mail notification that pops up with a small window at the bottom of your monitor (you can choose which corner of your monitor you want it to pop up in)  with a preview, you get a popup of notifications from facebook feeds, twitter, email, etc etc

Digsby also allows file  transfers, its skinnable and has many various options to tweak.
You can voice chat, video chat or text chat.
It works on Mac OS, Windows or Linux.

The other cool thing about it is that you can have a widget on your website or blog that plugs straight into digsby and allows visitors to your blog to chat directly to you if you’re online.

I was going to try it but then thought of how insanely not productive I would be if I spent the day chatting to people I didn’t know.

There’s also a facebook widget which allowspeople who visit your profile to say howzit to you.

To say that I am impressed with Digsby would be incorrect, I am more than impressed with it and I reckon that this is the future of communication.

All they need to do is get a mobile application working and hook up skype into the mix and thats all you will ever need.

Give it a try and let me know what you think.

www.digsby.com

Way to go news24.

Put up a picture on your front page of a Nelson Mandela coin with the numbers 666 under his face.

I am sure Madiba would be chuffed.

While South Africans may know that its actually 46664, the rest of the world might not.

How many times a day do you encounter a car guard? At the gym? Outside the Spar? At the movies? At a sports function?

Do they really serve a purpose? Are car guards a preventative solution or a counter productive scam?

I don’t pay car guards. End of story.

I not only do not pay them, but I also believe that the practice should be outlawed or regulated by an authoritative body.

It’s not about lack of compassion or a racist issue because I don’t pay any car guards regardless of their race or creed.

The reason why I take such a strong stance in this is because every single day we are bound to run into a car guard at any place that we go to. At the gym, when you go out for lunch, when you return to your car after shopping, when you go to the movies or a sport function.

If you had to pay even just R5 to each car guard you encounter during your normal day, you could be spending up to R450 a month to pay car guards. Surely this is why we pay for car insurance? Now your monthly R1 000 that you pay for insurance has just turned into R1450 a month.

Insurance is supposed to be an insurance against fire, theft or a 3rd party claim. So what happens if your car gets stolen while under the care of a self appointed car guard? Does the car guard pay you out?

Not in this lifetime.

And what about the number of times people have claimed that their vehicles had been broken into while under the supposed care of a car guard? How many people believe that car guards are responsible for many of the thefts and damage to cars?

I particularly remember the story of a gentleman who came out of a popular Johannesburg shopping centre and was followed to his car by a car guard who told him on the way that everything was fine with his car, hoping for a nice tip.

Only when they arrived at the where the car had been parked, the car was gone. Was it the car guard’s fault? Not really no, but this just strengthens my argument that they are not really there to watch your car as much as they are to watch their own pockets.

What about the car guard who gets back at a person who didn’t pay him by damaging their car the next time they encounter it?

South Africans are forced into actually paying the fees to avoid a backlash.

And it is with this reason that I find that the self made profession of guarding cars is nothing more than extortion and a scourge.

Shopping centres and other places where car theft might be a problem should employ car guards and pay them themselves and not force the public to pay a car guard to do a half job.

Those that prowl public streets should be paid for by the municipality, properly appointed, registered and with the proper attire.

This extortion has to stop.

How soon until you back out of your driveway only to be accosted by someone who tells you “Hey, I’ll watch your house for you…”

Front page of the Citizen today.

The cops say that crime is down overall, however statistically you’re more likely to get hijacked, robbed or have a child killed.

The stats are actually disgustingly scary, compared to the same period last year:
Robberies on business are up 47%
Truck Hijackings are up 40%
House robberies up nearly 14%
Car hijackings up by 4.4%
Attacks on children rose by 22%
Attempted murder up nearly 14%

The biggest jump was ATM bombings – up over 1000% from 2005 and up nearly 70% from 2007.

Ok, so seeing that cash in transit heists are down and ATM bombings are up, its obvious that ATM bombing is more lucrative than cash in transit heisting.
And safer too.

All round, ATM bombings are better for everyone for a number of reasons.

1. ATM’s don’t shoot back
2. No lives are lost when bombing an ATM (mostly)
3. No other vehicles in the vicinity are harmed
4. ATM’s are insured.
5. You dont need to kill anyone to get to the ATM
6. The notes wont be sprayed with ink (although some might be a bit charred)

So do your bit and bomb an ATM today

I am a huge series fan, although I don’t watch house, greys, desperate housewives or other girly stuff (partly because I don’t have a girlfriend to force it on me)

I am more of a thriller, action, sci fi and comedy fan.

I love stuff like Lost, Heroes, Smallville, Supernatural, KyleXY, Eureka, Weeds, Journeyman et al

Problem is that every year the American production companies cancel alot of shows that drop in viewership and quickly replace them with something else. Sometimes better, sometimes worse.

Sometimes some shows get dropped for no reason – case in point: Jericho

A post apocalyptic view on life in America in a little town called Jericho after the US is torn to pieces by 20 something Nuclear bombs.

The show was awesome but it got canceled, but when American viewers retaliated by sending hundreds and thousands of packets of nuts to CBS headquarters. Yes, Nuts, as in peanuts, cashews, walnuts. Nuts.

Check this youtube video

Jericho

But alas some good things do come to an end, Lost will become found, Heroes will fade, Weeds will get smoked out and Clark Kent will eventually leave Smallville and will hopefully resulting in a spawning of a new series based on the JLA.

But there’s good stuff coming to replace the old.

Some shows I reckon are gonna be huge are the following :

Leverage -

A team of professionals versed in various specialist roles, i.e. a thief, a computer geek, a hitman, an actress and the brains. Kinda like Oceans 11 if you know what I mean but this is superbly put together – the old switcheroo whose gonna do who, scam the scam artist type of stuff that takes the con the con movies to a different level. Highly entertaining.

Fringe -

An entire aircraft of people melt, malform and fall apart in their seats, 47 children disappear and reappear halfway around the world 8 years later not having aged a bit, Sri Lankan fisherman report seeing a low flying plane that let out a pitch shattering windows in the area, an hour later an 8.7 earthquake hits the exact same spot creating a tsunami that kills 80 000 people, a hospital patient awakes after years of being in a coma and starts reciting numbers which turn out to be exact gps coordinates of American Battle cruisers.

All these things have something in common and it’s referred to as “The Pattern” – someone is using the world as their playground to conduct experiments beyond comprehension.

The only person who has any idea of what is actually going on is an institutionalized mad scientist and the FBI need him.

It highly entertaining as well.

Another sort of series I enjoy are these participant type gameshows where people compete against one another till there is one left;

Who wants to be a superhero
Last Comic Standing
Beauty and the Geek
The pickup artist

etc

I particularly like the zany ones like “who wants to be a superhero” it was so deliciously corny, these people running around in tights with their super powers completing tasks given to them – the one character that made me laugh from that show was a super hero called “Fat Mama” – she was a large lady that ran around in a pink outfit with doughnuts swinging from her belt – well there’s a role model for your kids eh ?

Anyway something along those lines is coming which I got a peek at and it made me laugh.

A handful of some Americans win a trip away but they have no idea what or where and are whisked off to Japan to their surprise.
They arrive in Tokyo at night and in the morning of their first day in the city they go on a tour of some recording studios, they get ushered into a studio where some show is being taped, and step out right onto the stage of a Japanese gameshow where they are the contestants.

It’s called “I survived a Japanese gameshow”

They are split into teams and have to compete against each other and one person gets sent home at a time till there is one left – that winner takes home a prize of $250 000.

Now I don’t know how much you know about Japanese gameshows but they are the WACKIEST most BIZARRE practices on planet Earth.

This show looks great.

Some examples of Japanese gameshow games : human insects, human tetris game, games where you have to eat to win, others that involve treadmills. Check out this video to see the human tetris game in action.

human tetris

Here is another really funny video of hurdles on a treadmill

Treadmill hurdles