Crime is down but stats are up
Front page of the Citizen today.
The cops say that crime is down overall, however statistically you’re more likely to get hijacked, robbed or have a child killed.
The stats are actually disgustingly scary, compared to the same period last year:
Robberies on business are up 47%
Truck Hijackings are up 40%
House robberies up nearly 14%
Car hijackings up by 4.4%
Attacks on children rose by 22%
Attempted murder up nearly 14%
The biggest jump was ATM bombings – up over 1000% from 2005 and up nearly 70% from 2007.
Ok, so seeing that cash in transit heists are down and ATM bombings are up, its obvious that ATM bombing is more lucrative than cash in transit heisting.
And safer too.
All round, ATM bombings are better for everyone for a number of reasons.
1. ATM’s don’t shoot back
2. No lives are lost when bombing an ATM (mostly)
3. No other vehicles in the vicinity are harmed
4. ATM’s are insured.
5. You dont need to kill anyone to get to the ATM
6. The notes wont be sprayed with ink (although some might be a bit charred)
So do your bit and bomb an ATM today
To the dogs
You know, I was born in South Africa and have been proudly South African all my life, I refused to pack up and leave when things got rough, I wanted SA to remain my home, sure I travelled but came straight back to SA because I missed it, the people, my family and friends.
I put my faith in the new government and decided to give them time to adjust and iron things out.
12 years later however I not only have my doubts, I am beyond disgusted.
There is something seriously seriously wrong with South Africa and we are undoubtedly heading tobecome another banana republic.
The problem is that South African’s have become so complacent with problems that affect every single one of us.
I realized this last night at 8:30 when the electricity died (while I was in the middle of an online poker game) and my father shrugged and said “oh well, off to bed”
and THAT is the exact thing that pisses me off, we accept it because there is little we can do about it and we just accept it as being normal. Soon its going to get worse, Water is next.
Let’s just take a look at the entire picture.
- Starting with the load shedding, yes I blame the government. Stop supplying neighboring countries with power they can’t afford to pay in the 1st place and look after your own. Charity starts at home.
- Crime – Let me not even get started with this, maybe if you stop employing criminals to be policemen and comissioners we may be in with a chance.
- Wasted Money – Why on earth is the government so focussed on changing the names of roads, cities, provinces and towns when the MILLIONS of Rands that are spent on changing these things should be better spent on the infrstructure of South Africa, like, I dunno, maybe another power plant?
Thank God they haven’t realized that the word for our currency, The Rand, is actually an Apartheid Era Afrikaans word, or we’d be spending BILLIONS of Rands so we can have MILLIONS of Pula. - Unemployment – Maybe with tougher border control and harsher deportation laws, we’d have less illegals in the country, making it easier for our people to find jobs. in 1996 it was reported that we had nearly 5 million Illegal immagrants living in South Africa, that was 12 years ago, that number has easily tripled by now. Hell, we have more Nigerians living in Berea than there are living in Lagos.
- Presidential hopeful is a criminal – JZ is without a doubt, guilty of a lot of things, maybe he got away with Rape, but he is corrupt and rotten and is spoiling the rest of the barrel of apples.
- Ignorant Leaders – JZ, the anti Aids shower, need I say more? Manto Babalas Msimang – Beetroot and Onion anti aids diet? These people are ignorant beyond comprehension and yet we have them as leaders? Sure, they may have a bit more savvy than most Black South African’s but then again, in the land of the blind – the one eyed man is king.
This is not a racist remark, it is a “Who is the best person for the job” remark.
Why not put the best people for the job, in the job? I am not saying employ more white people in goverment positions, not at all. But put educated, savvy people of any colour into meaningful positions.
Cyril Ramaposa or Tokyo Sexwale would run this country like a business – if a particlular part of a business is failing, you don’t get rid of the people at the bottom, you start at the top. Without smart _LEADERS_ any organization is in for a world of hurt and by leaders I don’t mean popular people who can pull the wool over the eyes of just enough people to be voted in, but I mean people who can lead by making an example. - Telecommunications – another ignorant”leader” Ivy Matsepe-Casaburri has no idea half the time waht she is talking about, we are without a doubt the most expensive country in the world when it comes to telecomms. She fails to act on behalf of the masses and I’ll out and say it, CORRUPTION! Maybe if Icasa and Telkom stopped slipping her a few bucks to shut up and say what they want her to say, we’d have someone on our side.
- Drunk Judges – but he claims he was “drinking tea”
- Reverse Racism – AA policies are nothing but reverse racism, fucks sakes give the best person for the job the job.
- Politics in Sports – hoo boy… why is it that there exists a policy to enforce more players of colour in our cricket and rugby teams but there exists no policy to enfore more non-black players on the SA soccer team? Smells like hypocrite bullshit to me.
- Important Jobs pay the least – this was carried over from the old regime, but if anyone had any insight, they would seek to change this. Let me put it into perspective, Police and Teachers are 2 great examples of important jobs that pay shit. In my most humble opinion, these should be the jobs that pay the most, thereby forcing a strict policy on who can become a teacher or a cop. There’d be less corrupt cops, less criminals becoming cops and less cops likely to be bribed. If its a sought after well paying job, people will queue to become a cop.
Teachers – no disprespect to those people who want to be teachers, i think this is great, however the number of people who started out studying that wanted to become teachers is far less than the number of people who became teachers by accident because they did not get sufficient points at varsity to go onto other fields and they settle for teaching. So essentially what we have are people who maybe scraped through varsity, some with crap marks that are going to be teaching our kids. Now I ask you, would you want a less than qualified person to teach your children ?
Or would you prefer that teachers get paid a fortune, thus making the qualifications to be a teacher rather stringent and again people will queue to go for these positions and thus meaning that our children are taught by the best minds in the country? Those that don’t make it as teachers can go and do some other arb job, like become a rocket scientist or something. - Aids – we have a fucking problem people, excuse the pun.
I could go on and on.
What other countries are there in the world where power cuts are the norm? where there is a task force to look after the police force? where the heads of police are linked to criminal activities? where the minister of health embarasses themselves due to their ignorance? Where the police are corrupt and will let you drive on if you slip them a few bucks? Where Accused rapists and corrupt officals are heads of political parties?
This has stopped being a joke.
I AM CRYSTAL METH
I destroy homes, I tear families apart, take your children, and that’s just the start.
I’m more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold, The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember! I’m easily found, I live all around you – in schools and in town.
I live with the rich; I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
I’m made in a lab, but not like you think, I can be made under the kitchen sink.
In your child’s closet, and even in the woods, If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.
I have many names, but there’s one you know best, I’m sure you’ve heard of me, my name is crystal meth.
My power is awesome; try me you’ll see, But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, But try me twice, and I’ll own your soul.
When I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie, You do what you have to — just to get high.
The crimes you’ll commit for my narcotic charms Will be worth the pleasure you’ll feel in your arms, your lungs, your nose.
You’ll lie to your mother; you’ll steal from your dad, When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you’ll forget your morals and how you were raised, I’ll be your conscience, I’ll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate friends.
I’ll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I’ll be with you always — right by your side.
You’ll give up everything – your family, your home, Your friends, your money, then you’ll be alone.
I’ll take and take, till you have nothing more to give, When I’m finished with you, you’ll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned – this is no game, If given the chance, I’ll drive you insane.
I’ll ravish your body, I’ll control your mind, I’ll own you completely, your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I’ll give you while lying in bed, The voices you’ll hear, from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you’ll see, I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it’s too late, and you’ll know in your heart, That you are mine, and we shall not part.
You’ll regret that you tried me, they always do, But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this is would happen, many times you were told, But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I’ll be your master, you will be my slave, I’ll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do? Will you try me or not? It’s all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell, Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.
Have you had enough of Chuck Norris?
Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.
Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!
Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.
Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.
Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography….it was just a list of everyone he has killed.
Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
Einstein’s original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.
The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth… then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.
Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
Chuck Norris isn’t afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend
See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.
The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris’ agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.
Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.
When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight
Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
CNN was originally created as the “Chuck Norris Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Newton‘s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.
Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because “The Sum of All Fears” is the name of Chuck Norris’ autobiography.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.
Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
Chuck Norris does not “style” his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: “Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris”
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t suck his mother’s breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said “I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds”, He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’s show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn’t run.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
Most boots are made for walkin’. Chuck Norris’ boots ain’t that merciful.
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin’ about.
Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn’t have nearly enough balls.
Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris just says “no” to drugs. If he said “yes”, it would collapse Colombia’s infrastructure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Crime does not pay – unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking… because the Rock is Chuck Norris’ personal chef.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
“Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris’ fists is inside his own body.
One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, “You want fries with that” because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn’t ever want fries with anything. Ever.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris’ misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
Maslow’s theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a “hole.” Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
Coroners refer to dead people as “ABC’s”. Already Been Chucked.
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
The phrase ‘break a leg’ was originally coined by Chuck Norris’s co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
The original title for Star Wars was “Skywalker: Texas Ranger”. Starring Chuck Norris.
The phrase ‘balls to the wall’ was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
Chuck Norris’ Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis’ Career.
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
Chuck Norris can taste lies.
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization “Kick Drugs Out of America”. If the organization’s name were “Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America”, there wouldn’t be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it’s been raped.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Chuck Norris’ testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
There are two types of people in the world… people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
70% of a human’s weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris’ weight is his dick.
Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris’ ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
The pie scene in “American Pie” is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris’ case, the “pie” was the molten crater of an active volcano.
Chuck Norris uses 8′x10′ sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed… unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
It is said that looking into Chuck Norris’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know – Except for the definition of mercy.
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with “obstruction of justice.” This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they’re always slick with blood.
When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question… just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
If you’re driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
In the medical community, death is referred to as “Chuck Norris Disease”
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.
In the Words of Julius Caesar, “Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris”. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Chuck Norris always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
As an infant, Chuck Norris’ parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris’ initials. This is not a coincidence.
Chuck Norris’ credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.
A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false – no one could survive it the first time.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
When in a bar, you can order a drink called a “Chuck Norris”. It is also known as a “Bloody Mary”, if your name happens to be Mary.
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris…. Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
The word ‘Kill’ was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were ‘Die’, ‘Beer’, and ‘What’.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
Two wrongs don’t make a right. Unless you’re Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting… because he’s not acting.
If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he’ll beat it into you.
Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris’ first visit to Tokyo.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem– It wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris’ sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
Chuck Norris doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.
When Arnold says the line “I’ll be back” in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
The phrase ‘break a leg’ was originally coined by Chuck Norris’s co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
The Drummer for Def Leppard’s only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn’t even come close.
Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one……..one bad-ass that is.
TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
“Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” was originally written as Chuck Norris’ theme song.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
In the movie “The Matrix”, Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green “falling code” scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
Chuck Norris’ dick is so big, it has it’s own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
Chuck Norris doesn’t say “who’s your daddy”, because he knows the answer.
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows – A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
Count from one to ten. That’s how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you…Fourty seven times.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool’s head off.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”
Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay’s potato chips, saying “Betcha can’t eat just one!” Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn’t chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
“Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Rules of fighting: 1) Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don’t bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
Chuck Norris describes human beings as “a sociable holder for blood and guts”.
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Chuck Norris did not “lose” his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
Chuck Norris’ pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Most people know that Descarte said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Chuck Norris.”
For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more “Missing in Action” sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact ‘raise the roof’. And he can do it with one hand.
Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn’t kill women.
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
For Chuck Norris, every street is “one way”. HIS WAY.
There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
Whoever said “only the good die young” was probably in Chuck Norris’s kindergarten class.
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn’t own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have blood. He is filled with magma.
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris…Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply…Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris wears Orion’s Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.
Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur’s court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.
Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.
In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
Before sliced bread, people used to say “Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris”. But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
Chuck Norris’s sweat has burned holes in concrete.
The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
Earth’s emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.
When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer…10 new facts were added instantly.including this one
No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.
Chuck Norris is ” The best a man can get ”
On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine’s Day.
Scientists believe the world began with the “Big Bang”. Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a “bad case of gas”.
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of “the best damn espresso on Earth”.
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
Chuck Norris don’t open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hits.
Chuck Norris’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees… Celsius.
The world’s fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris’s sweat.
In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn’t want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
When somebody yells “Last one in is a rotten egg,” Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris’ beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!
Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those “some people” are now dead.
When Chuck Norris sneezes, he don’t say “Atchoo” he says “DIE EVERYONE!!!”. That’s what happens next.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb
Chuck Norris Can smell what The Rock is cooking
Now you can say you have had enough of Chuck Norris
Revenge
They say that revenge is a dish best served cold.
Sometimes we wish we could get even with someone for something that they did, well here are some tips on getting revenge on someone.
I do not take responsibility for what you do with list.
Pour out some of their mouth wash and refill with toilet water or urine.
find a plug in an obscure place and rewire postive to earth ( It will frustrate them to no end )
Move out and keep a key, return to do your monthly shopping.
Upon moving out, have an open party there in their honour, put posters up everywhere advertising free alcahol.
Itching powder on a girls tampons
soak the carpet with water and sprinkle grass seeds on it, preferrably while they are away to return to an inside lawn
smear a healthy dose of syrup on the door mat.
Order pizza and furniture to be delivered to them.
Report their cars as stolen.
cut the wiring to the geyser ( Aint nothing like a few days of cold showers to make you repent )
padlock the post box and toss the key
superglue their petrol tank flaps closed shut.
Wipe your ass with their face cloth.
take a strip of magnesium and put it in one of the unlit cigrattes and put the cigarette back into the box
one night, during the week, when they have to leave for work in the morning, take a nice big fat fucking chain and lock them in. Use grade 10 Locks that need to be angle grinded or torched off.
hide drugs in their cars and hope they go through a roadblock.
if they have a pc at home, swop the mouse buttons. maybe write a batch file that re swaps the buttons everytime they reboot.
fill the hard drive with porn. Animal porn.
Find a bunch of old keys and put a tag on it saying “If found please return to < add their adress here and name > reward of R200 offered, and drop the keys somewhere where they will be easily found by someone. Preferrably in a bad part of town.
Buy a dog whistle and late at night go near their place and blow it till all the neighborhood dogs wake up and wake them up too.
Phone their banks and report their credit cards stolen.
Puncture his condoms with a pin.
subscribe them to porn mailing lists
send them a bouquet of black, dead roses
put a dead fish in their car and leave another in the flat hidden away somewhere
get a nice peice of fibre glass and toss it into the tumble dryer and leave it running till the fibreglass disintegrates into dust and goes into the filter. It will eventually work its way into the clothes when they dry them
get a pair of REALLY soiled ladies underwear, put them into a box and mail it to a fictious adress in another town, add in a note that says: “Thanks for a great evening, we’ll hook up soon, you left these in my car” put their adress on the back of the box as the return adress and wait for it to get to the fictious adress and return home to where , she will hopefully get it.
push a small stone into their exhaust so far back ( use a broom stick ) that the stone falls into the silencer box. the rattle will drivem them insance
ice a cake with lax and leave it where they will find it and eat some. maybe cut a slice from the cake to make it seem that its ok to eat it.
break into their home and make bomb threats to a few places from their phone line.
pour cayenne pepper onto popcoorn and leave it for them to eat ( Cayenne pepper in its dry form causes uncontrollable coughing if it gets into the respiratory tract )
empty out their eye drop bottle and refill with battery acid
put superglue on the ear peice of their phones
Superglue their mouse to a desk
super glue their laptops shut
If the person wears contact lenses – replace the solution with a soapy solution, if it’s stood overnight, those contact lenses will burn the hell out of his/her eyes, and it’ll take a lot of work to clean them. Also won’t be able to open eyes for an hour or so
and the one to really ruin someones life?
post a LOT of posters on telephone poles, bulletin boards, lampstands, etctera with a clear message in huge letters: THERE IS A CHILD RAPIST IN YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD. These posters then give the person’s full name, address, and phone number, the same for his workplace and family members, and an open invitation to “speak your mind on his horrible crimes.”
Do you have any cool revenge tricks?
Please comment and leave your ideas 