Kabelo’s Sick note
Some people should REALLY read the notes their doctors give them before turning them in at work.
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A true legend
This dude is a true legend.
First he tries to pay his credit card bill with a picture of a spider, then he goes about pissing off his new neighbor.
Enjoy!
This second part was also incredibly funny, this dude knows how to piss people off something fantastic.
So he gets this party notice under his door and decides to invite himself to the party ….
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: R.S.V.P.
Dear Matthew,
Thank you for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child’s party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?
Regards, David.
From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.
Hi David
Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like.
Cheers Matthew
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
Thanks Matthew,
Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don’t tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?
Regards, David.
From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
Hi David
As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.
Cheers Matthew
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
Dear Matthew,
I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to – if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn’t have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon’s girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.
Regards, David.
From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
Hi Matthew,
I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn’t everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan’s Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones – I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all They have freckles all over their body did you know? It’s the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.
Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don’t think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of ‘wouldn’t it be good’ to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don’t see you before tonight.
Regards, David.
From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
What the fuck are you talking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
Hello Matthew,
I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won’t be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night.
It is a little hard to breath in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived ‘through’ the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it.
Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don’t own cars.
Regards, David.
From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no fucking 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends What the fu*k is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no fucking fancy dress and only people I know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus fucking christ man.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Party
Hello Matthew,
I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon’s girlfriend Cathy’s work function was cancelled so she can make it after all which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata.
Can’t wait, see you tonight.
Regards, David.
Pure class!
Stuff to watch for
I am a huge series fan, although I don’t watch house, greys, desperate housewives or other girly stuff (partly because I don’t have a girlfriend to force it on me)
I am more of a thriller, action, sci fi and comedy fan.
I love stuff like Lost, Heroes, Smallville, Supernatural, KyleXY, Eureka, Weeds, Journeyman et al
Problem is that every year the American production companies cancel alot of shows that drop in viewership and quickly replace them with something else. Sometimes better, sometimes worse.
Sometimes some shows get dropped for no reason – case in point: Jericho
A post apocalyptic view on life in America in a little town called Jericho after the US is torn to pieces by 20 something Nuclear bombs.
The show was awesome but it got canceled, but when American viewers retaliated by sending hundreds and thousands of packets of nuts to CBS headquarters. Yes, Nuts, as in peanuts, cashews, walnuts. Nuts.
Check this youtube video
But alas some good things do come to an end, Lost will become found, Heroes will fade, Weeds will get smoked out and Clark Kent will eventually leave Smallville and will hopefully resulting in a spawning of a new series based on the JLA.
But there’s good stuff coming to replace the old.
Some shows I reckon are gonna be huge are the following :
Leverage -
A team of professionals versed in various specialist roles, i.e. a thief, a computer geek, a hitman, an actress and the brains. Kinda like Oceans 11 if you know what I mean but this is superbly put together – the old switcheroo whose gonna do who, scam the scam artist type of stuff that takes the con the con movies to a different level. Highly entertaining.
Fringe -
An entire aircraft of people melt, malform and fall apart in their seats, 47 children disappear and reappear halfway around the world 8 years later not having aged a bit, Sri Lankan fisherman report seeing a low flying plane that let out a pitch shattering windows in the area, an hour later an 8.7 earthquake hits the exact same spot creating a tsunami that kills 80 000 people, a hospital patient awakes after years of being in a coma and starts reciting numbers which turn out to be exact gps coordinates of American Battle cruisers.
All these things have something in common and it’s referred to as “The Pattern” – someone is using the world as their playground to conduct experiments beyond comprehension.
The only person who has any idea of what is actually going on is an institutionalized mad scientist and the FBI need him.
It highly entertaining as well.
Another sort of series I enjoy are these participant type gameshows where people compete against one another till there is one left;
Who wants to be a superhero
Last Comic Standing
Beauty and the Geek
The pickup artist
etc
I particularly like the zany ones like “who wants to be a superhero” it was so deliciously corny, these people running around in tights with their super powers completing tasks given to them – the one character that made me laugh from that show was a super hero called “Fat Mama” – she was a large lady that ran around in a pink outfit with doughnuts swinging from her belt – well there’s a role model for your kids eh ?
Anyway something along those lines is coming which I got a peek at and it made me laugh.
A handful of some Americans win a trip away but they have no idea what or where and are whisked off to Japan to their surprise.
They arrive in Tokyo at night and in the morning of their first day in the city they go on a tour of some recording studios, they get ushered into a studio where some show is being taped, and step out right onto the stage of a Japanese gameshow where they are the contestants.
It’s called “I survived a Japanese gameshow”
They are split into teams and have to compete against each other and one person gets sent home at a time till there is one left – that winner takes home a prize of $250 000.
Now I don’t know how much you know about Japanese gameshows but they are the WACKIEST most BIZARRE practices on planet Earth.
This show looks great.
Some examples of Japanese gameshow games : human insects, human tetris game, games where you have to eat to win, others that involve treadmills. Check out this video to see the human tetris game in action.
Here is another really funny video of hurdles on a treadmill
Pregnancy Tips for dummies
how not to play a home poker game
1. Everybody decides to ruin a perfectly good evening of visiting, drinking, Nintendo playing, and lounging about by suggesting a game of Texas Holdem.
2. At least three people exclaim at the speed of light that they brought their poker sets with.
3. Spend 15 minutes in a conference to explain that Texas holdem and holdem are indeed the same game. Confuse everyone by mentioning that there are other holdem games like omaha. Watch everyone insist that there is only 1 holdem and thats texas holdem and thats final.
4. Even though everyone claims to know how to play and plays often, and nevermind that the entire lot makes decent money, suggest we play for $5 each so that it stays ‘friendly’.
5. At least two onlookers need to be dazzled and amazed that some people have their own chip sets. They should say something like, “Damn, you must do this for a living or something.”
6. All players spend ten minutes admiring the 300-piece-Walmart-set.
7. Wait 5 minutes so everyone can go get their sunglasses out of their cars then listen to those without sunglasses argue that those with sunglasses have an unfair advantage and that no one should be allowed to play with sunglasses.
8. Take 20 to 30 minutes to debate how to divide up the chips. Take another 15 minutes to assign values to them. Don’t be afraid to argue 5, 10, and 25 vs. 50, 100, and 250. At least 3 people should point out that the latter is too many chips.
9. Set the blind structure. My personal favorite is to start blinds at 10 and 20 after initially including chips worth 5.
10. Get the dealer button out and everyone looks at you funny when you ask why we need the dealer button when we are all going to take our turns dealing. Everyone tells you its so that no one forgets who was just the dealer. Everyone looks at you even funnier when you says its probably the guy with the deck of cards in his hand.
11. Argue for a further 10 minutes that the big blind is after the small blind to the left of the dealer and not to the right as opposed to what the in house guru says.
12. Its finally time to start so 2 should just now leave to go to the bathroom and 3 others should have already left the table to go chat and do other things. Call a ten minute break and then we start!
13. Get everyone back to the table. Just before dealing someone should insist that some random guy walking by also join the game. When random guy says he doesn’t want to play and also DOESN’T KNOW HOW and HAS NEVER PLAYED BEFORE and HATES CARDS just ignore that and keep insisting.
13. Everyone looks at you funny when you mentions there are no chips left over so we would have to redo chip structure.
14. The two remaining guys who brought chips should volunteer to get their chips at the speed of light.
15. Make room for the new player and find him a chair.
16. Watch 4 players get up to go get more beer.
17. Yell at the 4 players to get back to the table but bring a pen and paper so we can write out the hand rankings for the new guy.
18. All nine other players start hollering out random advice to the new guy. Be sure to use plenty of jargon so he has no clue what anyone is saying.
19. Argue for 5 minutes about drawing for seats.
20. take 10 minutes to take out ace through 9 and hang your head in shame when the dude doing it makes sure its all the same suite. Deal out 1 card per player face up.
21. watch people get agitated when their card is dealt face up because their card is showing and take another 5 minutes to explain that we haven’t started yet, just drawing for seats.
20. Argue for 5 minutes about who deals first.
21. Watch everyone get confused when you suggest that whoever drew the ace should deal, the 2 will be small blind and 3 will be big blind.
22. Agree finally that dealing out 1 card to each player and having highest card deal first is good idea.
23. Deal out the cards face down.
24. Convince the five players who don’t want to show their card to anyone else that its OK, we STILL haven’t started – this is just to see who the dealer is.
25. Take another 5 minutes to explain that what we did earlier was draw for seats, and this is different.
26. Explain to the new guy that this is not the actual game after new guy says that on TV they get 2 cards.
27. Obv new guy is first dealer. Cringe as you realize your 5-year-old shuffles better. Coach him to deal 2 cards to each player – one at a time. Cringe again as you can see every card he deals as he holds the deck straight up and down.
28. Every player must now limp every single hand for the duration of the night.
29. No player may ever post his blind – EVER! Everyone only posts their blinds after you reminds them. You must remind them EVERY HAND.
30. The dealer (everyone not just the new guy) should deal out the flop turn AND river before the action is done every other hand.
31. explain that this is not the way it is done because the reason for burning cards is to discard potentially marked cards and dealing the entire game out defeats that purpose, someone then pipes up “but no one had a chance to mark the cards yet”
32. The BB must never be given the option to check or raise. The very millisecond that the SB’s call hits the table you must deal out the flop. Everyone must Look at you funny when you point out that the BB had the option to raise.
33. After every player limps someone must comment that they think that player is bluffing. This rule applies to every round of betting and you don’t even have to be in the hand to say it.
34. At least one player must make a big overbet out of turn EVERY SINGLE HAND. Everyone looks at you funny when you make them take it back and wait their turn. When it gets to their turn, they defiantly put the big bet back out and say something like, “See, I just made the same damn bet anyway!”
35. Never push any chips into the middle after a round of betting. Leave them right in front of you and stack your future bets and calls on top of your old ones. Also acceptable here is just throwing them towards the middle so they mix with the other chips already in the middle. Everyone looks at you funny when you make them say how much they just bet.
36. The new guy should say this every single time it gets to him: “So how many do I have to put in now?” The table should now bombard him with advice on any and every possible holding he might have. After about five minutes of this he should repeat his question. At this point he should call if its a minbet (which it is about 95% of the time) and fold if its anything bigger. His cards are completely independent of this btw.
37. Have a big argument about whether a flush beats a straight or not after you push all-in on the river after you flopped the nut flush against someone’s straight.
The guy with the straight should quote the hundreds of times he has watched poker on TV and he KNOWS a straight beats a flush.
38. Someone new walks by – have a 20 minute discussion as to why he can’t just buy in and play too.
39. One player must start making huge overbets on 5 or 6 consecutive hands. This player should now start to get really arrogant and some of his friends should comment about how good he is because he won the last $5 drunken challenge.
40. Arrogant overbettor should now start to explain that he’s making the bets because a good player knows to bet out if everyone is checking to him. Only once in a great great while will there be anyone smart enough to lay a trap – it just doesn’t happen in these home games.
41. Everyone looks at you funny when you comment about the trap you just pulled off 3 minutes ago with the flopped nut flush. They STILL didn’t see it.
42. Vomit in your mouth when your aces get cracked. Twice. By king-rag off and 28 suited. Smile politely when donkey says “They were suited, I had you crushed.”
43. Even though the table has played SOOOOOOOOOOO passive all night – when you see 6 limpers and look down at KK and proceed to raise 12X BB – the following action should go call, call, call, fold, reraise all-in, fold, call all-in, fold, call, call. The douchebag overbettor wins with KT offsuit. Other hands are a pair of fours, a couple of ace-rags.
44. A bunch of the players should now comment how good douchebag overbettor is as it is quite evident that no one ever beats him. Comment that he must surely play a lot and probably plays a lot online also. Make no connection whatsoever to the fact that you were the only one who knew the damn rules and procedures.
45. Try explain that a pair of 7′s beating AK is not a bad beat.
46. Try explain that a flush on a paired board is NOT the nuts.
47. Arrogant overbettor should go on to win the game getting heads up with the new guy. New guy loses after limping and folding every single hand down to his last chip. Should be a huge roar when it ends.
48. People who didn’t play or watch should ask who won. Upon hearing this they should concur he won because he is so good – so good that he even has his own chips.
49. Agree with everyone when they say that its all luck anyway.
50. Make a comment about work in the morning and leave to go home and pull out your hair.