My first attempt at All Africa – the largest poker tournament in Africa
I left Johannesburg on wednesday afternoon just after 2.
Michael Simoes called me and told me the border at Oshoek closes at 6 so I had 4 hours to make it there, I was sposed to fetch my protien bars from Henry because I had left them at bulldogs the night before and wanted to take them with to nibble on instead of sweets while at the tables.
I had to give that a skip because the highways were going to start getting packed and I had to get onto the n12 as fast as possible.
filled up just before witbank and drove on, got bogged down in traffic near middleburg because of an accident. Some truck had crumped to peices on the highway and there was wood lying all over the road.
Turned off to Carolina and put foot, not expecting any cops to be trapping on that God forsaken stretch of road.
I managed to keep to about 180 to make up for lost time and luckily dodged a few pot holes along the way. Passed Carolina and headed to the border post, the first sign said Oshoek border post – 70 km. It was 5:15 pm
I had 45 minutes to travel 70 kilometers on a windy road through the hills, and at dusk. Not that theres much traffic up there, but I had to give it some gas. I nearly killed myself a few times trying to make it on time, there was no fucking way I was going to sleep in my car at the border post!
It was now dark and eventually I could see the lights of the border post way ahead in the distance, I had 3 minutes to get there so I gave it some more stick.
Came screaming into the border gates and hopped out my car with my passport and headed for the emmigration and customs offices so I could get my passport stamoed and stuff and asked if they were still open.
“Hauw baba! we close at 10!”
I wanted to strangle Simoes.
Anyway by the time I got past customs and emmigration on the swazi side the excitement had started building up and my breakfast was wanting out. I would not use the bathrooms at the border for love or money and decided to knuip vas and hold on the next 70 km to piggs peak.
I was pleasantly surprised to see that there was a nice highway in swaziland and I was expecting to stick on this road all the way to Piggs Peak, except I saw a saw pointing me off teh highway and onto a road that was dark, unlit and too narrow and winding for overtaking.
Its probably one of the worst roads I had ever travelled in my life but I had no choice but to put foot and put the km’s behind me or risk shitting my pants.
Only on the way back did I realize how dangerous that road was with animals crossing the road at various places and steep ravines on each side. If I had gone over the side I reckon not even lassie & netstar would have found me.
Anyway. I eventually managed to catch up to some local yokel in a bakkie that was doing about 160 km on that road and I stuck right behind him till he drove past the hotel and I turned in.
Checked in as fast as I could, got my keys, tipped the bell boy for taking my stuff to my room, ushered him out as fast as possible and got to my business of pressing a much needed coil.
unpacked my bag, hung my clothing up, packed stuff away, assorted my outfits according to what I was gonna wear and when and went off to have dinner with the other people that had arrived on Wednesday as well.
Eventually my (1st)roomie arrived and checked in as well.
Introduced myself to Jaco Mouton, Peter Vermaas and Martie Farber.
Jaco was super friendly and chatted alot to me.
We hung out in the casino and hit the slots for a while.
I turned in for the night and woke up pretty fresh on Thursday. Went off for breakfast and then went off to get myself registered.
I was given a bag of goodies including my lanyard and add on ticket, a hoodie, a slots card with R200 on it, a card protector, the new bluff magazine, a T shirt and a few other goodies. I then drew for my seat and drew table 5 seat 10. I then had to go cash in some money for receipts so that I could had receipts for my rebuy and add on as they stipulated no cash in the poker room as it holds up the process. I then sat watching the arrivals to see if I recognised anyone. They trickled in slowly through the afternoon to early evening.
Peter Vermaas’ wife wasnt coming through so my roomate was going to stay with him as they were/ are friends and I had to wait the arrival of my new roomie.
After lunch , myself and Jaco hung out in the casino for a bit hitting the dops and eventually I decided to go for a nap.
My new roomate arrived and woke me up. Big Fella by the name of Jaques Tredoux – nice enough guy but fuck me could the man snore???
anyway, I scuttled off to dinner and waited for Simoes other 2 friends to arrive, Damien Cornelli and Mauro de rose.
Time was coming and I went to get kitted up.
Got my hoodie on, my shades, my cap, my card protector, my lucky full house chip, my mp3 player and headed off to the card room.
took my seat and started analyzing the players at my table, especially those 2 or 3 places to the left and right of me.
I had prepared myself for AA by watching hours and hours and hours of TV table coverage so I had a pretty good idea of the players.
in seat 1 – Andre Johnston – loose agressive player that will make moves when in position, will probably try and reraise me a few times if I positional raise.
in seat 2 – Kevin Stanley – tight solid player, likes playing a range of hands with position.
in seat 3 – Kyri Patsalos – previous runner up, solid player, can be aggressive.
3 very good players to my left, oh joy. stealing chips from these 3 was NOT going to be easy. the person with the best position was clearly Kyri with not 1, not 2 but 3 (THREE!!) tight players to his left meaning that he could steal from the small blind, big blind, button, cut off as well as one off cut off. And safe in the knowledge that the 2 players to his right would probably respect his reraises when they tried to make a steal. Kyri was runner up against John Tabatabai in February so his form might still be strong.
in seat 4 – Chris Hadzigrigoriou – my previous roomie, from what he told me I picked up that he was a tight player with 3 or 4 years experience, never played a big game like AA before.
in seat 5 – Nersan Naidoo – know nothing of him. tight.
in seat 6 – Ray Bisnath – quiet bloke, I could pick up that he was a solid rock of gibraltar. so tight that he was the only one at my table that didnt take a rebuy or add on.
in seat 7 – Paul Spies – know nothing of him, but very friendly guy. Tried to build an image as a tight rock but was caught a number of times with his hand in the cookie jar.
In seat 8 – Johan Gaybba – know nothing of him but he flapped his gums alot and told me all I needed to know. I picked up that he had played at the wsop before with team pokerstars. I didnt really want him on my blind.
in seat 9 – Ricky Lewis. Know nothing about him, plays tight.
in seat 10 – me – the mac daddy.
Ed Jordon said a few words and then the cards were shuffled and the game was on.
The rebuy period was 4 hours long – it was very loose and I found myself making loose calls for value and bleeding chips, my raises were not respected ever and Kyri got me to lay down what were probably the winning hands on 2 occassions. Eventually I shoved with the last of my chips and lost those, called for a rebuy and changed gears to extremely tight.
I cut my concerns down to 3 players and those were the 3 players to my left, especially Kyri, but I was slowly and surely getting a read on the man and I was going to punch his ticket for him.
someone at this table was going to double me up and I was looking for weaknesses, tells, anything that was going to give me the edge and get a double up.
Kyri had already made me lay down 2 hands, I was going after him.
Thursday night was hell to try and get some sleep
with a lumberjack in my room and a toothache from hell.
I took a boatload of various supplements with me, brain food, vitamin c, cod liver oil, barocca.
problem is that I only took one sleeping tablet with me and wanted it for the friday night as saturday was gonna be the big one.
I tried to sleep but kept getting woken up with the sounds of gunfire.
it was the dude next to me snoring that sounded like an AK 47.
I eventually slept with my headphones on listening to enya over and over again at full volume.
shot out of bed early on friday headed off to the breakfast table, avoided greasy stuff and piled on the fruit and protein stuff like ham, salamai, boiled eggs, and of course coffee, lots and lots of coffee.
The excitement leads to adrenaline and my stomach wasnt exactly “secure” which is why I stayed away from the greasy stuff.
9 0 clock we were back in the card room and within an hour we lost Johan Gabbya – after him rebuying at least 5 times.
Greg Ronaldson and Darren Kramer out.
Next to go was Nershen, I cant remember who replaced them and then just before the lunch break, Ray went.
I was 2nd in chips at my table after accumulating small pots one after the other and not getting involved in big hands.
I lost a medium sized pot earlier against Ray otherwise I would have been dominating at my table with chips.
an hour for lunch and the place was buzzing, everyone was talking and chatty. We had lunch outside.
After lunch back into the card room, my table was getting moved to the TV table.
After they miked us up, they got us a few new players to join, one was Mark Lifman who was sitting with a big stack of chips.
As the cameras got rolling within the first few minutes, we lost Ricky Lewis.
Neville Eber came to replace him to my right.
After having studied Neville Eber, i had him right where I wanted him, although it was dangerous because I was still stuck between good solid players.
I raise in late with AK off and everyone mucks, I show my ace, Mark lifman makes a comment that I am a fish for refusing to show the other card, I told him thats the way I play a3 off
few hands later on the BB I get j6 off, Kyri patsalos is in the hand with me, flop falls kq 6.
I bet out on my 6 and get raised hard by kyri.
I studied him for a full minute before deciding to reraise, he mucks.
I pick up aq, Eber raises, I was waiting for something like this and insta reraise – he mucks.
few hands later I pick up AA and shove all in after a raise and a reraise, I spoke Paul Spies out of the hand – stupid move, he mucks ak
I pick up a nice pot.
Few hands later I get aq, I raise and get called by Kyri
flop is king high, no queen, I toss in a c bet, insta call by Kyri, I study the board, 2 clubs, hmm, he is on a draw.
Turn is a queen, I toss in another 18 000 and he reraises all in, I call, river nothing, Kyri out, I am now strong with the force and with chips.
We break for dinner and I am in 13th place with chips
after the dinner break my table was moved off the feature table and off to the regular tables.
Previous final tablist Ryan Kelly joined us as well as Jaco Mouton.
It was insane that I was picking up big hands while on mouton’s blind and I was whittling his massive stack down little by little.
Jay Sookoo joined our table and every 2nd hand he would shove. he started at about 40k and ws soon up to 50 k, I was sitting on 250 or so and decided to call him with 77 – he flipped over aq
I spiked a 7 on the turn and he was drawing thin. river rag and he was gone. I was up to about 320 chips and picked up pocket jacks against Jaco Venter’s AQ
I call his all in and he spikes a queen, taking 30 k off my stack.
2nd last hand of the night and stanely shoves on my big blind, I look at mycard and I see ak, I call.
he flips over pocket 2′s and spikes a 2 on the flop and even though I have a flush draw, he turns a full house, I had 1 out to make a straight flush. that doesnt happen.
I am left with 220 k in chips.
off to bed and I pop my tablet and manage to get a few hours sleep, we only start at 10 so I am fine.
Take a nice long shower and head for the breakfast table and then off to play cards.
the morning sessions starts with 24 of us left and I come out of the gates firing wildly and missing, I got called down on every bluff I made and wasnt taking any pots.
I lose 70 k in chips very quickly, mark lifman walks into pocket kings and he gone.
Ryan brauer is next to go.
Then Kevin stanley embarked on a mad rush and mad calls with mad results.
first he shoves with 46 into Stan Caruthers pocket aces and spikes 2 pair, the very next hand, Terry brookes shoves with pocket 8′s , Stanley makes the call with k9 and hits an over card on the river.
Damien Cornelli and Nahum Lum do the long walk and Kevin Stanley shatters Ryan Kelly’s pocket q’s with 78 off
few more players drop off, and my chip stack is looking very very VERY bleak
Darren Chandler and Armand Saayman take a walk and we are down to 14 players.
I pick up pocket 8′s on Peter vermass’ big blind – I shove, no action.
Few hands later I pick up kings UTG and decide to slow play them seeing as I still had so many aggressive players to my left.
It gets folded around to the BB who checks, I slow play them all the way to the river and then make a mistake when trying to raise a bet I managed to squeeze out of Reynhart Van Rooyen.
I just tossed in my chips instead of announcing my raise.
bah too bad. The kings were good anyway, I pick up the blinds and antes and move on. 4 hands olater I am in cut off and get a9 off, it gets folded around to me and I raise, Jim Gubb calls.
The flop comes 9 high. I shove, he calls and shows pocket 9′s
gg
I throw my cap to the floor in dismay and look to see if I will hit any miracle cards – nothing.
I walk around the table shaking hands with everyone and leave the card room amidst players congratulating me on my performance.
I walk to my room and lay down on the bed – grab my phone and send out the bad news.
I start packing my bags and taking stuff to my car.
I wait for lunch, eat and try to get some sleep, its impossible.
I go down to the card room where I see stanley get knocked out after him having 500 000 in chips at one point.
I stuck around for the final 10 to be decided and watched as my new friend Jaco Mouton picks up the biggest bubble in all africa history and go out in 11th.
I walk around from player to player and congratulate them all, say good bye to everyone I met, I check out and get back to my car.
The hotel staff had cleaned it for me.
I climb in, sigh a huge sigh.
Start my car and drive the long way home, replaying the hand that sent me to the rail over and over and over again in my mind.
is it wrong to be proud of who you are?
In November, Michael Richards (best known as Kramer on Seinfeld) launched into a racist tirade during a stand up act at a comedy club, insulting patrons and mouthing off at 2 black hecklers.
After an attempt by 4 of the patrons and a handful of Black activists, including a former supreme court judge and 2 lawyers to get Richards to attend a “mock” trial, Richards defended himself by questioning racism and had the following to say.
Someone finally said it.
How many are actually paying attention to this?
There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc.
And then there are just Americans.
You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.
You Call me ‘White boy,’ ‘Cracker,’ ‘Honkey,’ ‘Whitey,’ ‘Caveman’ … and that’s OK.
But when I call you, N!gger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-n!gger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink …
You call me a racist.
You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Yom Hashoah. You have Ma’uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP. You have BET. If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) we’d be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month , we’d be racists.
If we had any organi za tion for only whites to ‘advance’ OUR lives we’d be racists.
We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that?
A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships you know we’d be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US . Yet if there were ‘White colleges’ THAT would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you’re not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.
I am proud.
But you call me a racist.
Why is it that only whites can be racists?
Resume of George W. Bush
RESUME
GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC
20520
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE
LAW ENFORCEMENT
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol.
I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver’s license suspended for 30 days.
My Texas driving record has been “lost” and is not available.
MILITARY
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL.
I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use.
By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam
COLLEGE
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.
I was a cheerleader.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975.
I bought an oil company, but couldn’t find any oil in Texas .
The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry, including Enron CEO Ken Lay, I was
elected governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father’s appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S.history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.
In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.
I’m proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history.
My “poorest millionaire,” Condoleeza Rice, had a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with theU.S. Supreme Court during my election decision. I
have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution.
More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip- offs in history.
I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
I’ve broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. “prisoners of war” detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election). I set the record for
fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.
After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the WorldTrade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the
world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the
record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation.
I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S.citizens, and the world community.
I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families-in-wartime.
In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
I am supporting development of a nuclear “Tactical Bunker Buster,” a WMD.
I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden [sic] to justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father’s library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
I am a member of the Republican Party.
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN THE 2006 MID-TERM ELECTIONS.
Have you had enough of Chuck Norris?
Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.
Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!
Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.
Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.
Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography….it was just a list of everyone he has killed.
Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
Einstein’s original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.
The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth… then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.
Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
Chuck Norris isn’t afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend
See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.
The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris’ agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.
Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.
When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight
Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
CNN was originally created as the “Chuck Norris Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Newton‘s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.
Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because “The Sum of All Fears” is the name of Chuck Norris’ autobiography.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.
Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
Chuck Norris does not “style” his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: “Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris”
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t suck his mother’s breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said “I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds”, He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’s show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn’t run.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
Most boots are made for walkin’. Chuck Norris’ boots ain’t that merciful.
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin’ about.
Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn’t have nearly enough balls.
Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris just says “no” to drugs. If he said “yes”, it would collapse Colombia’s infrastructure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Crime does not pay – unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking… because the Rock is Chuck Norris’ personal chef.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
“Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris’ fists is inside his own body.
One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, “You want fries with that” because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn’t ever want fries with anything. Ever.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris’ misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
Maslow’s theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a “hole.” Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
Coroners refer to dead people as “ABC’s”. Already Been Chucked.
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
The phrase ‘break a leg’ was originally coined by Chuck Norris’s co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
The original title for Star Wars was “Skywalker: Texas Ranger”. Starring Chuck Norris.
The phrase ‘balls to the wall’ was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
Chuck Norris’ Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis’ Career.
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
Chuck Norris can taste lies.
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization “Kick Drugs Out of America”. If the organization’s name were “Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America”, there wouldn’t be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it’s been raped.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Chuck Norris’ testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
There are two types of people in the world… people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
70% of a human’s weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris’ weight is his dick.
Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris’ ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
The pie scene in “American Pie” is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris’ case, the “pie” was the molten crater of an active volcano.
Chuck Norris uses 8′x10′ sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed… unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
It is said that looking into Chuck Norris’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know – Except for the definition of mercy.
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with “obstruction of justice.” This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they’re always slick with blood.
When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question… just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
If you’re driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
In the medical community, death is referred to as “Chuck Norris Disease”
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.
In the Words of Julius Caesar, “Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris”. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Chuck Norris always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
As an infant, Chuck Norris’ parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris’ initials. This is not a coincidence.
Chuck Norris’ credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.
A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false – no one could survive it the first time.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
When in a bar, you can order a drink called a “Chuck Norris”. It is also known as a “Bloody Mary”, if your name happens to be Mary.
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris…. Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
The word ‘Kill’ was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were ‘Die’, ‘Beer’, and ‘What’.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
Two wrongs don’t make a right. Unless you’re Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting… because he’s not acting.
If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he’ll beat it into you.
Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris’ first visit to Tokyo.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem– It wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris’ sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
Chuck Norris doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.
When Arnold says the line “I’ll be back” in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
The phrase ‘break a leg’ was originally coined by Chuck Norris’s co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
The Drummer for Def Leppard’s only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn’t even come close.
Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one……..one bad-ass that is.
TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
“Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” was originally written as Chuck Norris’ theme song.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
In the movie “The Matrix”, Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green “falling code” scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
Chuck Norris’ dick is so big, it has it’s own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
Chuck Norris doesn’t say “who’s your daddy”, because he knows the answer.
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows – A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
Count from one to ten. That’s how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you…Fourty seven times.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool’s head off.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”
Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay’s potato chips, saying “Betcha can’t eat just one!” Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn’t chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
“Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Rules of fighting: 1) Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don’t bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
Chuck Norris describes human beings as “a sociable holder for blood and guts”.
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Chuck Norris did not “lose” his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
Chuck Norris’ pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Most people know that Descarte said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Chuck Norris.”
For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more “Missing in Action” sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact ‘raise the roof’. And he can do it with one hand.
Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn’t kill women.
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
For Chuck Norris, every street is “one way”. HIS WAY.
There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
Whoever said “only the good die young” was probably in Chuck Norris’s kindergarten class.
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn’t own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have blood. He is filled with magma.
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris…Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply…Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris wears Orion’s Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.
Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur’s court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.
Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.
In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
Before sliced bread, people used to say “Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris”. But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
Chuck Norris’s sweat has burned holes in concrete.
The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
Earth’s emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.
When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer…10 new facts were added instantly.including this one
No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.
Chuck Norris is ” The best a man can get ”
On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine’s Day.
Scientists believe the world began with the “Big Bang”. Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a “bad case of gas”.
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of “the best damn espresso on Earth”.
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
Chuck Norris don’t open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hits.
Chuck Norris’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees… Celsius.
The world’s fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris’s sweat.
In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn’t want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
When somebody yells “Last one in is a rotten egg,” Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris’ beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!
Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those “some people” are now dead.
When Chuck Norris sneezes, he don’t say “Atchoo” he says “DIE EVERYONE!!!”. That’s what happens next.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb
Chuck Norris Can smell what The Rock is cooking
Now you can say you have had enough of Chuck Norris
Letter to a bank manager
This is aletter some chap wrote to his bank manager
I take my hat off to him…
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the
check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor
it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me
on the path of fiscal righteousness.No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as
my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.
I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be
excited and proud to hear it.To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am
confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like
you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your
branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an
offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note
that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on
the number of button presses required to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to
my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like
yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with
whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will
be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the
phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call
is received;5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still
sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the
call is received;6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the
call is received.7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at
home.8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a
password to access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated at a later date to the contact.9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1
through 8.The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This
month I’ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:“Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And
the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for”After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably
know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter
of cost.As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been
quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing
some costs back.First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me.
This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your
nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time
spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in
the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be
passed back to you.My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody
Guthrie doesn’t come for free), so you would be well advised to
keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but
again following your example, I must also levy an establishment
fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, 2002
Your humble client.